What Should a College Essay Say?

This piece from the Wall Street Journal has the advice that every high school student (or for that matter middle school student) who is seeking the next rung on the educational ladder should follow  — write what you know, from the heart.

Lacy Crawford, a former college application “consultant” who, for tens of thousands of dollars a year, “helped” students write essays that played a role in gaining acceptance to top schools, talks movingly of students ignoring the well-meaning advice of guidance counselors and parents to write about the things that really mattered to them.  She tells of students who came out to in their college essay after myriad drafts about something else,  or wrote about a sick parent after being by told their guidance counselor that this approach was too manipulative.

My daughter still has at least one more year to go before she starts to worry about any of this, but she did have to write essays to gain admission to high school.  I never thought about having those essays make her out to be anything more or less than what she is.  If the essay–which to my mind as a writer should be the one piece of information that shows the admissions department the “real” student–is supposed to be just another aspect of the process to be gamed, what kind of mixed message are we sending to our students, as we admonish them to be true to themselves in all of aspects of their lives?  We want to believe that they will become adults who will live up to the values that we have helped instill in them, and yet at times when it really “matters” we are suggesting that they mold themselves into something that is less than authentic in order to play by someone else’s rules.

I don’t remember what I wrote for any of my college essays now — I am old enough that I only applied to four colleges, and was accepted to and attended my first choice.  But I do know that if Northwestern asked me to write about why I wanted to be a journalism major — which it likely did — I  wrote about how I’d wanted to be a newspaper writer as long as I could remember, and how all I did was read local newspapers from all over the country for hours on microfiche at the public library and how if someone would just give me the chance to learn more about how those writers do what they do I would be so grateful because I was sure that it was the right path for me.  It wasn’t complicated, it wasn’t done after looking at ” essays that WORKED,” it wasn’t massaged by an expensive counselor.  But it worked for me in all of the right ways — I got into the school, was successful there, and ended up embarking on a lifelong career where I use the skills I gained in college every day.   More importantly, I never received a signal–overtly or otherwise–that what matters to me and what I wanted people to know about me somehow just wasn’t good enough—which has got to be the message that these teens are getting. While understandable that parents want their children to have every edge in a hyper-competitive process, the idea of thousands of teens are reinventing themselves on the page to only possibly get the result that they want just makes me sorry for them. 

The Real Cost of Daycare

The New York Times Sunday Review has a great piece today about the cost of daycare, and what that means to the fortunes (and futures) of women in US society.  The opinion piece  recognizes that, unlike most of the rest of the developed world, Americans still largely view the care of children before they are old enough to go to school as a private matter.  The article also illuminated the fact that daycare costs aren’t simply crushing the working class—they constrain the economic choices of most working Americans today.

When you are a married female college professor making more than $75,000 a year, putting you in the top 10% of wage earners, and daycare eats up virtually all of your family’s disposable income, you know there is a problem here.  Both parents work.  Childcare is not a luxury but a necessity.  School looms years away.  But just as with the healthcare crisis, until recently, these problems have been thought of as a collection of individual stories, leaving families to figure out how to do the best they have with what they’ve got.  And too often, the author of this article says, doing the best has meant that mom drops out of the workforce.

Now maybe some Americans think that what should be happening is that mom (or increasingly dad) should be at home raising their children.  Or, they just shouldn’t have children.  But given the state of the economy, is this realistic? (The staying out of work part I mean — everyone knows that people will always heed the biological imperative to have kids).

And, anyone who has read Bringing up Bebe, knows that the daycare system in France (and certainly other European countries) are pretty great.  No one is griping about children being raised by “strangers” in “institutions.”  And these societies see their children being well cared for, well fed, and properly socialized as a societal good, not an individual choice.

I hope that the changed economy will bring more conversations of this nature to the forefront of the public discourse, much in the same way that we are starting to see many articles bubbling up about the how much college educations are clobbering the middle class.   Because we can’t keep doing things the same old way, expecting to see a different result.  Most adults need to work.  Most adults want to have kids.  We acknowledge that—so, what are we going to do about it?

 

 

Stepping Back

After over 100 consecutive posts that I have published every weekday, I am changing the frequency of this blog.  Luckily, I have a really great reason:  I have just started my dream job, doing communications and alumni relations for a really terrific school.   Working inside of a school and seeing the ideas and practices that I have written about for years take root in real life if going to be terrific.  What this does mean, however, is not as much time to search out the content for this blog.  I am going to try to write a post every week (check this space on Mondays for the latest).  I have received wonderful feedback from so many of you so please keep it coming.  I know that reducing the frequency won’t reduce the quality — but if I slip, I know you will also let me know.  You’ve been a wonderful audience, and I have enjoyed every moment of interacting with you.  Let’s continue to do it, just a little less regularly.

Maybe Staying Home with the Kids Isn’t Such a Good Idea After All

The New York Times Magazine has followed up on a story that it ran in 1993 about women “opting out” of hard-charging corporate jobs because they wanted to spend more time at home with their children.  It turns out that getting back on track after time off from work is not as easy as many of them anticipated.

The article, “The Opt-Out Generation Wants Back In”  is a case study in reduced standards of living after mid-life divorces, husbands resentful that they were working hard while their wives were merely volunteering and mothers surprised that it wasn’t easy to jump back on the ladder at the same rung.  Although they all, to a woman, say that they wouldn’t have traded their years at home for a more high-powered career, they are certainly wistful about all that they have left behind.

What the article really speaks to is understanding the reality of choices that everyone has to make (and many of those choices are demanded by workplace inflexibility). Although in the end everyone has to do what is right for them and their families, too often women fall into or are forced into choices that they don’t fully know that they are making.  Anything from a premature infant, to caring for sick parents, to a job with too much travel has the potential to derail women’s careers.  And while highly educated women should understand the money and security that they are leaving on the table, the emotional pull of caring for one’s family often imbues those sacrifices with a rosy patina that it doesn’t deserve.  Most people don’t see divorce coming when they have only been married a few years and just starteda family.  They also don’t see their spouse downsized at 55.

I do think that my children’s generation will be different.  They have seen, first-hand, the devastation the middle and upper middle class have experienced in the recession and slow economic recovery.  Opting out of work has only ever been a reality for people who can afford it, and it turns out that fewer and fewer people now can.  When Dad can’t find work and the kids see mom have to take a job that is far below what she could be doing, simply because someone has to put food on the table, the kids have got to wonder whether giving it up to take care of them was worth it after all.  And as they look at their own downsized future, perhaps with no hope for a college education without massive debt and that initial rung on the ladder being even harder for them to grab hold of, I predict the answer will be no.

Exploring White Privilege

Having gotten some great views and commentary on my posts about Trayvon Martin, I wanted to feature this video of Peggy McIntosh today, from the Beyond Whiteness website.  In it, she has some interesting things to say about her lifelong work of understanding the status she has received as a white woman and the white relationship to issues of race.

For a more humorous–but still very compelling–take on this issue, check out this video from last night’s Daily Show.

Whether we engage in a “national conversation” about race, as the president suggests, or we punt, it doesn’t absolve us from having these very important and often uncomfortable conversations with our children.  Because what we fail to talk about doesn’t simply go away—as we will see with the next case that brings these issues to the fore.

Can You Parent Too Much?

That’s the provocative title of this post on Huffington Post Education by Kristin van Ogtrop, Managing Editor of one of my favorite service magazines, Real Simple.  In this year’s Real Simple Family issue, there’s an excellent article about how to stop being a helicopter parent.  It talks about how feelings of happiness are heightened when children learn to be competent through handling their own problems, notes that social skills are strengthened when children have to negotiate their own disagreements and gives parents a nice checklist so that they can tell whether or not they fit the definition (fun fact:  the term helicopter parent has been around since the late 1960s).

If you do find that you fit the definition, may I suggest baby steps?  If you hear your children fighting, don’t rush to intervene until you hear the first crash.  If you child is complaining about how unfair his teacher is for giving him a subpar grade, ask him to take an objective look at his work.  The next time your daughter wants to involve you in the drama of her friendships, try for a subtle head shake and an  “mmmm, that’s interesting” rather than a full-scale plan of attack.

If you want to get really crazy, you can try to go free range at the same time.  Have your child walk to school if it’s possible.  If there is convenient public transportation in your town — your teen should be on the bus or train.  Practice having your chlidren stay home alone for short periods of time, gradually increasing it as they become more comfortable.

Swimming against the tide of helicoptering is not so easy in 2013 but it can be done.  And I guarantee you that once you do it, you’ll never go back.

Friday Book Pick

I’m reading I’d Listen to My Parents If They’d Just Shut Up by Anthony Wolf, author of the popular Get Out Of My Life, But First Can You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?  It’s a good book about what to say (and more importantly what not to say) to your teenager.  Anything that can help me get inside of my teen’s mind and help me communicate with her without us killing one another is worth a spot on my Kindle.

Diversity Still a Problem at Elite Colleges

And, in other news, water is wet.

Both this story from the New York Times, and a report on a Georgetown University study over at HuffPo show that when it comes to embracing both racial and socioeconomic diversity (and let’s face it, those two are frequently linked), the most elite colleges still aren’t getting it done.   The Georgetown researchers state that the racial gap persists even when college readiness is taken into consideration.  The report says that “since 1995, 82 percent of new white enrollments have gone to the 468 most selective colleges, while 72 percent of new Hispanic enrollment and 68 percent of new African-American enrollment have gone to the two-year and four-year open-access schools.”

Now maybe this wouldn’t be so bad if students who attended open access schools or two year college were getting the education and job preparation that they (or the government) are paying for.  But this statement from the report says they are not.  “For every 300 college graduates, postsecondary education now produces 200 college dropouts.The completion rate for the 468 most selective four-year colleges is 82 percent, compared with 49 percent for open-access, two- and four-year colleges. Virtually all of the increase in dropout rates and the slowdown in completions are concentrated in open-access colleges; in substantial part because they are too crowded and underfunded.”

I think we are all reminded, as we process events like the George Zimmerman trial, how much racial and class polarization exists in American society.  When even some of the best and brightest minorities and poor students simply aren’t represented at the highest echelons of higher education, we are missing out on great talent.  Communities are missing out on great role models.  And wealth will continue to be concentrated in the hands of a few.

This is a pernicious problem, but, as with all problems, the first step is to know it exists and understand it.  I encourage you to read this report; this results may surprise you.

Can Girls Be Empowered and “Nice?”

A provocative Motherlode blog from Catherine Newman, author of Waiting for Birdy, suggests that the answer to that question is no.

Newman writes,” I want my daughter to be tough, to say no, to waste exactly zero of her God-given energy on the sexual, emotional and psychological demands of lame men — of lame anybodies. I don’t want her to accommodate and please. I don’t want her to wear her good nature like a gemstone, her body like an ornament.”  She praises the fact that her daughter likes short hair and won’t wear jeans—  “the snugly revealing allure of which completely mystifies her.”

Now Newman understands that being nice does get you things (more freelance work for her, for instance), but she seems to equate “nice” with “doormat” or “pleaser” or potentially “victim” in a way that it shouldn’t be.   Her daughter scowls when she meets people and only uses knife and fork when compelled by her parents.

The author contends that her son is nice, and that he finds niceness to be its own reward.  But, as for her daughter, she asks, “do I think it is a good idea for girls to engage with zealously leering men, like the creepy guy in the hardware store who is telling her how pretty she is? I do not. “Say thank you to the nice man who wolf-whistled!” “Smile at the frat boy who’s date-raping you!”

Whoa.

I think Newman’s son has it just right—niceness is its own reward.  Unlike Newman, who apparently when growing up was nice only because she was trying to be liked by everyone.  But you can be nice and be a feminist. You can be nice, and stand up for yourself as well as others (something she says her daughter does well).  You can be nice and hate sexism in the toy aisle.

In fact, if you really want to raise a feminist, I would suggest that you neither praise nor punish niceness as a state of being. A feminist shouldn’t allow what the potential reaction of the date rapist or the hardware store guy to influence whether she will go out into the world and be nice, smile, hold doors and ask, “how are you?”  Do we really want our daughters to turn a nasty face to the world so that they will not be oogled (which doesn’t work anyway), or victimized?

Commenters are split on the article, with some offering a hearty, “you go, girl” and others noting that their similarly “not nice” daughters had a tough road to hoe in life.  Personally, I prefer nice to not nice, but most of all, I would prefer that my daughter not base her actions on someone else’s potential reactions.

The Power of Yet

I want to promote a little video clip of Carol Dweck, the author of Mindset, that I found on Greatschools.com today.  In it, she describes the power of “yet.”  Do you know how your kid says, “I’m not good at math” or “writing is not my thing?”  Dweck suggest that to encourage a growth mindset in your child (which is essentially the belief that you can achieve beyond what you believe to be a fixed set of capabilities) you should tack the word “yet” onto the end of that sentence.  So, your kid isn’t good at math–yet.  Your child isn’t a great writer—yet.

It’s really important that we remember that this goes for us as adults too.  As overwhelmed as many of us may have felt becoming parents, I doubt that any of us thought (for very long anyway) — “well, I’m just not good at this.”  Rather, we thought that through experience we would improve.

It is hugely important that we instill in our kids the belief that through effort and practice and grit that we can get at least “decent” in most activities, and quite good in many of them.  Long gone are the days when we could master a few skills and use them to get through the rest of our work lives.  To be employable today means to be adaptable and the sooner that kids (and we) learn that, the better.